St. Ansgar's Lutheran Church

Sermon for Sunday, Sept 8, 2002




Repairing Broken Relationships

 

If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault. But do it privately, just between yourselves.

If he listens to you, you have won your brother back.

         Matthew 18: 21-35

 

A father tells this story about his holiday. "Last Summer my family decided to take a "trip" to  Alaska. I imagined us all singing songs together as we travelled the long outback roads visiting places we had only seen on postcards and in books. But things didn’t work out as we had planned!

Mid-morning out in the middle of nowhere, I looked down to see that a light on the dashboard of my Station wagon had come on. Now over the years I have learned to perfect my technique in dealing with these mechanical breakdowns... its called denial.

So my reaction to the light on the dashboard was to say to myself... "That's strange. I wonder what that's all about? It can’t be a problem with the vehicle because I had it all checked out before we left. It might be a faulty light. Really it’s nothing to worry about. Maybe if I just keep on driving, the light will go out and everything will return to normal."

But of course the light didn't go out and things didn't return to normal. We ended up broken down by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. And being mechanically dysfunctional, I had no idea what was wrong or how to fix it!

Over the next few days as the Station wagon was getting fixed, there were times when I seriously thought about leaving it in Chatanka, Alaska and getting a new one... because it seemed a lot easier than fixing it."

Well... I share with you this story because this morning we are going to talk about a far more serious kind of breakdown - a breakdown of relationships in our days.

And it seems to me that many of us approach our relational breakdowns the same way that the father of our story approached mechanical breakdowns - we see the warning lights, but we ignore them and the relationship breaks down.

And because we often just don't know what to do, or because we know that fixing the relationship is difficult, time consuming and costly, many of us simply abandon that relationship by the side of the road like an old vehicle. It’s not hard to litter our lives with broken relationships we have never tried to fix. For some of us, breakdown of a relationship is the source of constant unrelenting, unrelieved pain!

·        A treasured friendship has been lost or scarred.

·        A marriage where the partners have wounded one another and every conversation has an undertone of anger, defensiveness, and hurt.

·        You have a brother or sister, a mother or father, a son or a daughter with whom you are no longer speaking.

·        You have a friend, a member of the church who has left because of some disagreement and you have been hurt by the separation that exists between you.

Where once you enjoyed the company of a person and shared many good times together there is now only tension, anger or silence; where there was once a bond of love and intimacy, now you only feel hurt because of the deep chasm between you.

The question is: Is there anything we can do about it? Is there anything we should do about it?

The first thing that needs to be said is that Jesus regarded fixing up broken relationships very important. We know that to be true, because of what he did to fix up the broken relationship between God and us.

He thought that this was so important that he suffered and gave his life so that we could be reconciled to God. Jesus clearly states in everything he says and does that reconciliation was foremost in his plans and so also ought to be foremost in our lives.

Jesus says:


"So, if you about to offer your gift to God at the altar and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar, go at once and make peace to your brother, and then come back and offer your gift to God"
(Matt 5:23-24).

 

The act of offering a sacrifice was about as solemn an act as you could get. But here Jesus does the unthinkable - he issues free passes for people to get up in the middle of a worship service, climb over as many people as necessary and head for the door - provided they are leaving for the right reason, namely:
- to fix a broken relationship
- to reestablish love where love has broken down.

As important as making a sacrifice in the temple was, reconciliation is even more important. Jesus said that the most compelling evidence that would convince the world that Christianity is real and true is the way we love one another (John 13:35).

In short, when there is a need for forgiveness between two people, especially people who are brothers and sisters in Christ, he says, "Deal with it".  We can hide from the need for reconciliation, we can sweep it under the rug - for awhile. But it’s still there. You can hold a grudge, or keep resentment hidden inside you, and the other person may not even know about it. But it eats at you, destroys you inwardly. You think about it, you go around trying to avoid them, or their presence gets you all upset. Jesus says, "deal with it."

Jesus says that it’s always our responsibility to make the first move when a relationship breaks down! We are to take the initiative in seeking reconciliation.

But what if it’s not my fault? What if it’s 90% the other person’s fault? What if it’s completely their fault? What do I do then?

Jesus says, "If you remember your brother/sister has something against you, (that is, if it’s your fault that your relationship with another person is strained,) then you go at once, (take the initiative), and make peace".

Jesus also says: "If your brother/sister sins against you, (that is, if it’s their fault that things aren’t going well between you) then you go to him....!"  Whether we like it or not - when a relationship breaks down, regardless of who is at fault, Jesus puts the burden on us - on you and on me - to initiate reconciliation.

He does that because you and I have experienced the reconciliation that is ours through the death of Jesus. We know what it is to feel the relief and joy of knowing that the gap between God and us has been closed because of what Christ has done for us.

At our baptism we were joined to Christ, made part of God’s family, given a new life, a new way of looking at the hurt and the pain our sinfulness causes in the lives of other people. Because of Christ’s death we have been made friends with God and it follows then that as his people we should initiate reconciliation when a relationship has been strained or broken.

When there has been a falling out, no matter who is the fault, it is our responsibility to be so concerned about the other person, that we will seek every avenue of making amends. Jesus gives us another tip for making amends with those who have sinned against us in today's gospel reading.

 It is this - attempt to set the matter straight privately. Jesus is encouraging us to resist the temptation to make the conflict public. Go and meet them face to face, just the two of you, in private. Don't bring it up at a dinner party. Don't discuss it with your home friendship group in order to get them to agree with you about how awful the person has been. Don't get a whole bunch of other people involved in gossiping about what happened. Go to that person in private and work it out there first.

Go and speak to him/her, just the two of you, not with the intention of "giving him a piece of my mind" and telling him "how messed up he really is and that it’s time he got his act together", but with a reconciling spirit, ready to listen and to understand.

Go with the attitude that you want to be friends again, regardless of who is at fault. As James says, "We must be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry". But how often don’t we get all this wrong? We simply want to vent our anger face to face with the other person. Here’s an example.

          I thought, I was the most patient and coolest and collected person, until I moved to Montreal. A while back, I was looking for parking place at Walmart. I found one, but it was small it took me a little time to park. A driver of another car behind me was not happy at all having to wait while I parked my car!  And he felt the need to share his feelings with me!

As he drove past he rolled down his window and yelled, then said something in French, I felt it in my heart, wasn’t a praise or God bless you, and then he made a gesture with the middle finger as he drove off!  Obviously he had a problem with me... but didn't stick around to discuss it with me...              

Now here's the point I want to make: This man did a lot of things right according to what Jesus said. He saw the warning light, stopped what he was doing and took immediate action. He didn't wait for me to come to him.

He didn't deny there was a problem (obviously I was taking too long to park). He came to me in private. He didn't have other motorists gossiping about me. He said the right things in French. And he was passionate, and impressively direct! But clearly there was no desire on his part to fix our relationship! He only wanted to blast me and move on!

Does that sound familiar? Too often all we are interested in is giving the offender a blast, a piece of our mind and moving on. We are simply letting our human side nature take control and we aren’t interested in fixing the broken relationship. We are not interested in working things out.

It’s here at worship, at this house of God that we are once again reminded of how far Jesus was willing to come to fix our broken relationship with God! Even though the breakdown between God and us was our fault, he didn't wait for us to come to him, he took that costly first step towards us, leaving the glory of heaven and sacrificing his life on the cross so that we might be reconciled to God!

As September 11th approaches with its gruesome memories, God speaks to us all about forgiveness, healing, and Restoring Broken Relationships. Jesus still comes to us today reminding us of his love for us, forgiving us for all of our wrongs and reclaiming us as his children and members of his kingdom.

Even though we find it hard at times to be reconciled to those who have hurt us so much and find it easier to strike back and be nasty, Jesus only responds with his undeserved love and forgiveness. It is with his love then that we seek to reestablish love when love has broken down! As Jesus put it so well in the Lord’s Prayer.

"Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us."

Amen.

Rev. Samuel K. King-Kabu

September 08, 2002


Prepared by Roger Kenner
St. Ansgar's Lutheran Church - Montreal
September, 2002